Are you in a church or a cult? Easy ways to tell the difference and 7 TIPS for leaving safely.

NOTE: If you’re only here because you just want to know if your specific church is actually a cult or not, then I’d advise you to skip this post entirely and go straight to the BITE model assessment HERE. But if you want to dig in for more understanding, then read on.

Do you know what the fastest growing segment of cults in America is?

The answer might surprise you.

Because most cults are not the Netflix kind—with the messiah leader who marries fifty women, declares himself God, and brainwashes people into sacrificing their life savings and shaving their heads. No, that’s actually NOT the norm when it comes to cults.

According to most of the current experts in the subject, such as Anna Kitko (an expert on cults, with one of her Masters degrees specifically in the “Psychology of Coercive Control”), the fastest growing segment of cults in America are now non-denominational “Bible-based” churches, who go off the rails completely with no accountability and cause massive amounts of abuse.

No, not every non-denominational church out there is a cult. And being categorized as a cult has almost nothing to do with weird ideas—even the most fringe religious groups or extremely conservative organizations, for example, are not cults just by nature of their beliefs alone. Our

country protects religious freedom—so even if you don’t like the particular worldview or the religious experiences someone claims to have, that doesn’t mean they are being abusive by sharing those. Even the strangest beliefs can still be sincerely held. When you boil it all down,

cults are about one thing: a high degree of coercive control. (Where does your church fall on the spectrum of coercive control? Use the BITE Model to assess HERE.)

The truth is, there are way more cults out there than you think—because the primary way they continue to survive and thrive is by looking a whole lot like a legitimate church. In fact, they are virtually indistinguishable upon first impression. Most people who get caught in their nets are

not stupid people—they are drawn in because these places actually seem like the real deal. According to Kitko, people who get sucked into cults are usually empaths, those with a strong desire to “love others” and practice their faith in a more authentic and compassionate way.

Cults often seem to provide genuine opportunities for service, growth, and a higher level of “discipleship” without waving any big red flags…at least not at first.

But the red flags come out with time…

As Kitko says, these people usually reach some kind of personal “breaking point”—they have experienced so many red flags that they choose to risk being “in hell” or “put under church discipline” or somehow negatively labeled and disfellowshipped, rather than continue to give

up their sanity by staying with the cult. As Kitko reports, when these people get out, their nervous systems require great repair—they think, “Maybe I didn’t see what I saw, maybe I didn’t hear what I heard…” She says, “They often feel crazy…like they don’t know who they

are.” Healing is a process of breaking through self doubt, learning how to listen to their nervous system, and trusting their own good judgment once again.

As a licensed therapist who’s worked for 20 years in the “Bible Belt” of America, church abuse of all kinds has shown up almost weekly on my couch. And I concur with everything Kitko says—these people walk through emotional barbed-wire trying to get out and enter my office

with deep scars. Healthy non-denominational churches can and do exist, I’ve witnessed them myself, but the hard truth is: toxic non-denominational churches with cultlike dynamics exist right alongside them, often hiding in plain sight in our communities, not usually tucked away in some exotic private compound.

Can you spot the differences? Most people can’t. That’s why I’m writing.

When it comes to these cultlike organizations, professionals are trained to notice two things: 1) any themes of coercive, high-control cultures and 2) any signs of covert narcissism in charismatic leaders. (NOTE: I provided a BITE assessment HERE for anyone who would like to

formally measure the level of coercive culture in their own church.) But for the average untrained person, these dynamics are often muddy at best and things can feel terribly confusing—because upon first impression, covert narcissists seem super humble and the cult

itself might seem too good to be true—there will be no big neon sign flashing overhead that says: BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY A CULT. So how does the average person know who is who?

There are a few clear litmus tests (again, read the BITE model post to see more), but for me, this one is the most obvious of all the traits: resistance to outside eyes. All cults operate from a place of fear and self-protection, and so, they resist all forms of third-party outside

accountability like the plague. On the other hand, truly healthy churches and people are the opposite: unafraid of transparency and completely open to third-party accountability. This is usually the easiest way to know who is who when situations get sticky and confusing: one party

will want to handle everything “in house” and one party will be asking to bring in more outside accountability for clarity.

So if you find yourself in a high-control Christian group (or any religious cult), you may also soon find yourself thinking about leaving it. Unfortunately, the sad truth is, leaving is not for the faint of heart. In fact, most of the time leaving a high-control group will come with a high cost. People leave behind much beloved ministries, longstanding friendships, financial investments, and even their own hard-earned reputations, as the private smear campaigns and public defamation by leaders do their ugly work.

Narcissistic leaders can sense even the slightest attempts people make at boundaries and their easily-dysregulated, defensive reactions quickly intensify into retaliation campaigns. This pattern is classic and clear. In his lifetime of research and work with churches, well-respected

author and therapist Chuck DeGroat unearthed unusually high rates of narcissism and other severe “Cluster B” personality disorder traits in evangelical Christian church pastors, particularly in “church-planting type” pastors (who showed narcissism rates of 80%+ compared to general population rates of 6-9% in males). This clear trend in his research eventually led DeGroat to write his excellent book: When Narcissism Comes to Church.

Now, many pastors are not narcissistic at all. Many pastors are in ministry because of their truly empathic nature—they care about people and truly desire to comfort, support, and encourage them in their distress. They are motivated by compassion and able to form deep relationships

with their congregants. Unfortunately, covertly narcissistic pastors often appear to be this “nice guy” empath pastor on the surface. And their act can be extremely convincing. So how can anyone possibly tell the difference?

The signs are usually subtle at first, but become clear with time. Narcissists typically do not invest in deep, healthy, give-and-take friendships. There will be a pattern of intense and short- lived friendships, which the narcissist engages in purely for status. They utilize routine victim

stories (sob stories about who wronged them and how they were wronged, often accompanied by big displays of emotion) in order to suck more empaths into their orbit. The stories are meant to elicit the emotional response of “oh poor pastor” in those who are more

sensitive—and attract people who will provide attention to the narcissist, a dynamic called “narcissistic supply” by the experts. But these covert narcissists will often lose friendships over time because of 1) lack of relational engagement (low empathy and lack of care), 2) difficult

character issues or strange behaviors (gossip, lies, secret addictions, etc.), and 3) obvious struggles with defensiveness and emotional regulation.

When confronted about these behaviors or asked to get help from a licensed therapist, narcissists often resist and become highly dysregulated. DeGroat coaches people to look for their struggle with defensiveness as the very first red flag—narcissism is on a spectrum like

anything else, so DeGroat says, “the more defensiveness we see, the more narcissism we see in pastors.” These narcissists are often deeply insecure on the inside and need help from  professional licensed therapists who specialize in treating narcissism, in order to reduce harm—but sadly, all of this is rare: rare for narcissists to get treatment from someone licensed and specialized…and rare for therapists to treat them.

Unfortunately, if you try to exit the orbit of a narcissist, they will become increasingly manipulative and retaliatory. Raw Confessions, a podcast exclusively on narcissism, calls this the time “the war zone.” In the war zone, narcissists will not hesitate to knowingly break laws; they

will not hesitate to tell victim tales and cry crocodile tears; they will not hesitate to build a cohort of people against you; they will not hesitate to exploit your vulnerabilities; they will not hesitate to use a wide variety of manipulative tactics (anything from the silent treatment to

name-calling to love-bombing to outright abuse); they will not hesitate to tell bold-faced lies and twisted tall-tales; and they will not hesitate to privately and publicly defame you and assassinate your character. The truth is, if you’re trying to leave a cult or a narcissist, you may

find yourself in a war zone exactly like this.

And that is why I wrote this post.

I can’t evaluate your group for you, I can’t make your decisions for you, but I can advise you about how to leave a cultlike church as safely as you possibly can. In my 20 years of personal and professional experience, the two keys to leaving a high-control religious group and/or narcissistic person are planning and support. Here are my recommendations:

1) Always put safety first.

Don’t announce your doubts prematurely, especially because they can trigger retaliation and escalate the situation. Keep your opinions to yourself, keep your plans to leave completely private, and “play your cards close to your chest,” as they say. If there is any risk of illegal activity—public defamation, harassment, violence, or even forced confinement—then seek out lawyers, police officers, or support hotlines as needed. Cult leaders/members may try to shame you, threaten you, demonize you, or claim you are somehow threatening them by taking these actions—ignore them and call for help anyway. You are allowed to seek the legal assistance you need to understand if laws have been broken against you and to keep you and your family safe.

2) Learn how cult control works.

Understanding coercive control helps reduce the shame, fear, and attachment to the cult. Dive deeper into concepts like: spiritual abuse, thought reform, narcissism, fear conditioning, shunning, and coercive culture. Many ex-members say things like: “Once I finally saw the patterns, the spell broke.” Education is empowering and an important part of leaving, because cults often use confusion as their primary tactic to manipulate—so they

might throw around words and call you “abusive” or “narcissistic” or “demonic” or “rebellious” etc. to gaslight your experience, without any real grasp on what those terms actually mean. But thankfully, words have definitions and professionals can educate you.

3) Make an exit plan.

Sometimes it might look like leaving slowly, quietly, in stages, over a length of time. Sometimes it simply needs to be the cleanest cut you ever make—don’t open your door when leaders show up on your doorstep, don’t read or reply to their emails/letters/texts (you can simply screen them through others if absolutely needed), don’t attempt to reason with them, and block/mute/unfollow their channels on social media as needed. You will need to decide what works best for your context, but having a plan can help you build the confidence you need to finally leave. Secure any documentation, finances, childcare, housing, therapy, or other personal needs accordingly. (You may need to adjust your plans

as you go, since you cannot anticipate how severe the backlash and smear campaigns may be when you actually leave.) Some people start the leaving process by fading away first—less attendance, fewer disclosures, while building a support system on the outside—all while they make their quiet exit plans behind the scenes. Others make a fast getaway and a super clean cut. Make the safest choice for your unique context—but do NOT try to do the halfway thing and attempt to stay and reason with people, thinking they will listen and change. Cults do not operate on reason, they operate on fear and manipulation. So it’s best to either tip toe your way out of them…sprint away as fast as you

can...or tip toe your way into a sprint.

4) Quietly reconnect with people outside the cult.

You can often reconnect with other ex-members, religious-recovery groups, or therapists familiar with religious trauma. This might be a key moment to quietly lean into relationships with friends and family who are not part of the organization. If you’ve been involved in a cult, then you know how much time and energy you’ve spent questioning your own reality. Connecting with former members, professional helpers, or trusted people who love you, will offer you the compassionate care and reality checks you really need right now to heal. When the cult leaders or members attempt to tear you down with their twisted version of the truth, you will need well-respected people you can run to, simply to ask questions like: “Is this real? Am I crazy? What do you think about this?” As you think about leaving, start building your support system quietly behind the scenes.

5) Expect emotional backlash and prepare for a high-pressure campaign against you.

Sometimes, if you fade away quietly or leave quickly, you might be able to avoid a high-pressure campaign. But if you pushback directly on the cult and show disagreement, then be forewarned, you will likely be smeared privately and defamed publicly to the group, you may be called names and accused of various “sins” you never did, you may be put under “church discipline” or excommunicated, you may be shunned, you may be threatened with eternal damnation, or much, much worse. People who you once believed to be spiritual leaders will often show their true colors as the attempts to control you and to protect the cult get uglier. These patterns are classic, common, and well-documented in the research. And remember, cults will always resist attempts at sensible third party outside accountability. This is the clearest possible litmus test of a cult: the coercive control, secrecy, and fear of outside eyes looking in. If the cult chooses transparency, then they risk paying a heavy price for their wrongs—so they avoid it, they almost always engage in cover-ups, and they will try to smooth things over with any current members who might come asking pesky questions about what really happened. When those pesky questions arise, the leadership will often engage in what experts call “bothsidesism” or fake apologies: “Yeah, we didn’t do everything right, we’re sorry for our part—you need to have grace for us—but both sides need to come together here.” NOTE: despite whatever their smooth words may be, notice that they still never actually follow through with any form of outside accountability—their talk is cheap. Trust only actions.

For instance, if the leaders say they are “sorry” for their wrongs—do they ever actually apologize to the people they wronged and try to make amends? Simply go ask the people who were wronged if they received an apology and find out. If the leaders say they will “reach out” to someone—their talk is cheap—did they ever actually follow through? Simply ask the people who left if they reached out and find out. If the leaders say vague things like—“We’re considering all our options, just trust us…”—their talk is cheap. Follow up. What are their actions? If it’s truly a coercive culture, there will be plenty of smooth words from leadership…but you will always be able to point to the lack of any normal, common sense, outside accountability. In coming days, they will likely either guide their followers to “love on” and “miss you” and even love-bomb you…or they might guide them to shun you…both versions are simply meant to manipulate the empath. So as this high-pressure

process of leaving the cult unfolds, you may feel panic, anger, hurt, dread, or any number of emotions in response to their manipulative tactics. Be sure to write down your reasons for leaving, learn coping techniques for your anxiety, and get the support you need: STAY STRONG AND DO NOT GO BACK TO THE CULT.

6) Stop short at documentation: do NOT go back and save others.

Your only real task as you leave is to document absolutely everything people from the cult might say/do and just lay low and stay as safe as you can; do NOT try to convince others to come with you too. Leave quietly. Others will need to walk their own journeys—let them go. You will be defamed or much worse—nothing you can do about it right now. Your safety comes first—this is one of those situations where you need to “put the oxygen mask on first” so to speak. Do not expend your precious energy on trying to change the closed minds of the leadership, reform a toxic situation, or persuade more people to leave with you. If you are an empath, then I know this piece of advice will probably pull on all your

heartstrings, but don’t waste your energy trying to reason because cults do not operate on reason. The truth is, it is not likely anyone will listen. So instead, focus all your resources on accomplishing this very last step:

7) Focus on recovery, not just escape.

People do not leave cults, they escape them by the skin of their teeth. And the truth is, leaving is just the first step. Leaving is the beginning of the road, not the end. After you leave, you will need to take the time you need to truly heal.

Many people who leave cults/narcissists often notice their physical symptoms melting away. According to well-respected psychologist, Dr. Nicole Lepera, this might include: less chest tightness, less stomach pain, fewer headaches, fewer digestion issues, better sleep, less joint pain, less bruxism (teeth grinding), less brain fog, and even pronounced weight loss, as the cortisol spikes from the high stress of living with cult/narcissist dynamics eventually regulate over time. People who leave must relearn their nervous systems, grieve their heartbreaking losses, and renegotiate their old beliefs. Those are enormous tasks. You need to give yourself plenty of time to accomplish them.

One important truth as we close: people leave cults because they are strong. The number one question I hear from clients and friends who have left narcissists or evangelical cults is this:“How did I not see it for so long? What’s wrong with me?” I tell them there is nothing wrong

with them. Cults/narcissists camouflage much the same way that animals in the forest do—would you beat yourself up for not seeing a camouflaged insect on a tree? Of course not. So stop beating yourself up for not seeing it sooner and start asking, “What’s right with me?” instead. Because the truth is, there is a lot right with you: 1) you were perceptive enough to recognize the nefarious camouflage, 2) you were wise enough to choose a better life for yourself, and 3) you were strong enough to endure getting out, even through extreme manipulation and coercive control. Perceptive, wise, and strong. Not stupid. Not broken. Not weak. I make sure to tell them how honored I am to support someone like them, someone with those amazing qualities.

You will find healing, I promise. What feels unbearably heavy to your heart right now will slowly shrink with time. Some people will live with the symptoms of religious trauma for their entire lives, while others do not…but either way, symptoms or no symptoms, all people who leave

cults generally report living much freer, fuller, happier, healthier lives. Leaving is hell on earth…but a little further down the road…and you will find these brave people ultimately feeling great about their decision to create a new life for themselves.

Reaching out for more support will only accelerate this healing process. That’s why I’ve included some great resources below, if you want to check them out.

Wishing you much strength for the journey ahead,

Sarah

RESOURCES WHICH MAY BE HELPFUL (SOME MENTIONED IN THIS POST):

More Helpful Posts: Check out my post on the BITE method right HERE—this is a time-honored tool which you can use to assess the control levels in your own church culture. Also, want to know how to spot a healthy church? In my opinion, the opposite of a fear-based, coercive culture is a truth-based, freedom culture. Check out my post on “Five Star Safe Churches” (my response to the Michael Tait Scandal) to for some basic ideas on keeping your own church culture healthy and safe.

More Helpful Books:  Chuck DeGroat. When Narcissism Comes to Church. I quoted DeGroat from the podcast episode: “Are You a Narcissist? Chuck DeGroat on Why Church Planters Are Likely to Be Narcissistic” on the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast. Another great book about healthy church culture is Michael J. Kruger’s Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church.

More Helpful Podcasts: I thought that the episodes on “How to Recognize a Narcissistic Family System” and “Does My Dad Have Autism or Is He a Narcissist?” on the Calling Home podcast by LMFT Whitney Goodman were truly helpful, especially since it can be tricky to tell the

differences between narcissism and neurodivergence sometimes. I also referenced expert Anna Kitko’s appearance on “How to Recognize and Respond to Spiritual Abuse in the Church” on the “Cross Examined” podcast.

More Helpful Follows: Psychologist and Author, Dr. Nicole LePera @the.holistic.psychologist listed the physical consequences of being in relationships with narcissists in a January 2026 IG post). She is an excellent educator on all-things mental health, including many recent posts on narcissism. I also follow everything from the organization GRACE: Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment. They offer professional third-party investigations, powerful education resources, and many other services to churches.