sarahtierney

Are you in a church or a cult? Easy ways to tell the difference and 7 TIPS for leaving safely.

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 20:39:02 GMT

Easy ways to spot the difference and 7 TIPS to leave safely.

NOTE: If you’re only here because you just want to know if your specific church is actually a cult or not, then I’d advise you to skip this post entirely and go straight to the BITE model assessment HERE . But if you want to dig in for more understanding, then read on.

Do you know what the fastest growing segment of cults in America is?

The answer might surprise you.

Because most cults are not the Netflix kind—with the messiah leader who marries fifty women, declares himself God, and brainwashes people into sacrificing their life savings and shaving their heads. No, that’s actually NOT the norm when it comes to cults.

According to most of the current experts in the subject, such as Anna Kitko (an expert on cults, with one of her Masters degrees specifically in the “Psychology of Coercive Control”), the fastest growing segment of cults in America are now non-denominational “Bible-based” churches, who go off the rails completely with no accountability and cause massive amounts of abuse.

No, not every non-denominational church out there is a cult. And being categorized as a cult has almost nothing to do with weird ideas—even the most fringe religious groups or extremely conservative organizations, for example, are not cults just by nature of their beliefs alone. Our

country protects religious freedom—so even if you don’t like the particular worldview or the religious experiences someone claims to have, that doesn’t mean they are being abusive by sharing those. Even the strangest beliefs can still be sincerely held . When you boil it all down,

cults are about one thing: a high degree of coercive control. (Where does your church fall on the spectrum of coercive control? Use the BITE Model to assess HERE. )

The truth is, there are way more cults out there than you think—because the primary way they continue to survive and thrive is by looking a whole lot like a legitimate church. In fact, they are virtually indistinguishable upon first impression. Most people who get caught in their nets are

not stupid people—they are drawn in because these places actually seem like the real deal. According to Kitko, people who get sucked into cults are usually empaths, those with a strong desire to “love others” and practice their faith in a more authentic and compassionate way.

Cults often seem to provide genuine opportunities for service, growth, and a higher level of “discipleship” without waving any big red flags…at least not at first.

But the red flags come out with time…

As Kitko says, these people usually reach some kind of personal “breaking point”—they have experienced so many red flags that they choose to risk being “in hell” or “put under church discipline” or somehow negatively labeled and disfellowshipped, rather than continue to give

up their sanity by staying with the cult. As Kitko reports, when these people get out, their nervous systems require great repair—they think, “Maybe I didn’t see what I saw, maybe I didn’t hear what I heard…” She says, “They often feel crazy…like they don’t know who they

are.” Healing is a process of breaking through self doubt, learning how to listen to their nervous system, and trusting their own good judgment once again.

As a licensed therapist who’s worked for 20 years in the “Bible Belt” of America, church abuse of all kinds has shown up almost weekly on my couch. And I concur with everything Kitko says—these people walk through emotional barbed-wire trying to get out and enter my office

with deep scars. Healthy non-denominational churches can and do exist, I’ve witnessed them myself, but the hard truth is: toxic non-denominational churches with cultlike dynamics exist right alongside them, often hiding in plain sight in our communities, not usually tucked away in some exotic private compound.

Can you spot the differences? Most people can’t. That’s why I’m writing.

When it comes to these cultlike organizations, professionals are trained to notice two things: 1) any themes of coercive, high-control cultures and 2) any signs of covert narcissism in charismatic leaders. ( NOTE: I provided a BITE assessment HERE for anyone who would like to

formally measure the level of coercive culture in their own church. ) But for the average untrained person, these dynamics are often muddy at best and things can feel terribly confusing—because upon first impression, covert narcissists seem super humble and the cult

itself might seem too good to be true—there will be no big neon sign flashing overhead that says: BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY A CULT. So how does the average person know who is who?

There are a few clear litmus tests (again, read the BITE model post to see more), but for me, this one is the most obvious of all the traits: resistance to outside eyes. All cults operate from a place of fear and self-protection, and so, they resist all forms of third-party outside

accountability like the plague. On the other hand, truly healthy churches and people are the opposite: unafraid of transparency and completely open to third-party accountability. This is usually the easiest way to know who is who when situations get sticky and confusing: one party

will want to handle everything “in house” and one party will be asking to bring in more outside accountability for clarity.

So if you find yourself in a high-control Christian group (or any religious cult), you may also soon find yourself thinking about leaving it. Unfortunately, the sad truth is, leaving is not for the faint of heart. In fact, most of the time leaving a high-control group will come with a high cost. People leave behind much beloved ministries, longstanding friendships, financial investments, and even their own hard-earned reputations, as the private smear campaigns and public defamation by leaders do their ugly work.

Narcissistic leaders can sense even the slightest attempts people make at boundaries and their easily-dysregulated, defensive reactions quickly intensify into retaliation campaigns. This pattern is classic and clear. In his lifetime of research and work with churches, well-respected

author and therapist Chuck DeGroat unearthed unusually high rates of narcissism and other severe “Cluster B” personality disorder traits in evangelical Christian church pastors, particularly in “church-planting type” pastors (who showed narcissism rates of 80%+ compared to general population rates of 6-9% in males). This clear trend in his research eventually led DeGroat to write his excellent book: When Narcissism Comes to Church.

Now, many pastors are not narcissistic at all. Many pastors are in ministry because of their truly empathic nature—they care about people and truly desire to comfort, support, and encourage them in their distress. They are motivated by compassion and able to form deep relationships

with their congregants. Unfortunately, covertly narcissistic pastors often appear to be this “nice guy” empath pastor on the surface. And their act can be extremely convincing. So how can anyone possibly tell the difference?

The signs are usually subtle at first, but become clear with time. Narcissists typically do not invest in deep, healthy, give-and-take friendships. There will be a pattern of intense and short- lived friendships, which the narcissist engages in purely for status. They utilize routine victim

stories (sob stories about who wronged them and how they were wronged, often accompanied by big displays of emotion) in order to suck more empaths into their orbit. The stories are meant to elicit the emotional response of “oh poor pastor” in those who are more

sensitive—and attract people who will provide attention to the narcissist, a dynamic called “narcissistic supply” by the experts. But these covert narcissists will often lose friendships over time because of 1) lack of relational engagement (low empathy and lack of care), 2) difficult

character issues or strange behaviors (gossip, lies, secret addictions, etc.), and 3) obvious struggles with defensiveness and emotional regulation.

When confronted about these behaviors or asked to get help from a licensed therapist, narcissists often resist and become highly dysregulated. DeGroat coaches people to look for their struggle with defensiveness as the very first red flag—narcissism is on a spectrum like

anything else, so DeGroat says, “the more defensiveness we see, the more narcissism we see in pastors.” These narcissists are often deeply insecure on the inside and need help from professional licensed therapists who specialize in treating narcissism, in order to reduce harm—but sadly, all of this is rare: rare for narcissists to get treatment from someone licensed and specialized…and rare for therapists to treat them.

Unfortunately, if you try to exit the orbit of a narcissist, they will become increasingly manipulative and retaliatory. Raw Confessions, a podcast exclusively on narcissism, calls this the time “the war zone.” In the war zone, narcissists will not hesitate to knowingly break laws; they

will not hesitate to tell victim tales and cry crocodile tears; they will not hesitate to build a cohort of people against you; they will not hesitate to exploit your vulnerabilities; they will not hesitate to use a wide variety of manipulative tactics (anything from the silent treatment to

name-calling to love-bombing to outright abuse); they will not hesitate to tell bold-faced lies and twisted tall-tales; and they will not hesitate to privately and publicly defame you and assassinate your character. The truth is, if you’re trying to leave a cult or a narcissist, you may

find yourself in a war zone exactly like this.

And that is why I wrote this post.

I can’t evaluate your group for you, I can’t make your decisions for you, but I can advise you about how to leave a cultlike church as safely as you possibly can. In my 20 years of personal and professional experience, the two keys to leaving a high-control religious group and/or narcissistic person are planning and support. Here are my recommendations:

1) Always put safety first.

Don’t announce your doubts prematurely, especially because they can trigger retaliation and escalate the situation. Keep your opinions to yourself, keep your plans to leave completely private, and “play your cards close to your chest,” as they say. If there is any risk of illegal activity—public defamation, harassment, violence, or even forced confinement—then seek out lawyers, police officers, or support hotlines as needed. Cult leaders/members may try to shame you, threaten you, demonize you, or claim you are somehow threatening them by taking these actions—ignore them and call for help anyway. You are allowed to seek the legal assistance you need to understand if laws have been broken against you and to keep you and your family safe.

2) Learn how cult control works.

Understanding coercive control helps reduce the shame, fear, and attachment to the cult. Dive deeper into concepts like: spiritual abuse, thought reform, narcissism, fear conditioning, shunning, and coercive culture . Many ex-members say things like: “Once I finally saw the patterns, the spell broke.” Education is empowering and an important part of leaving, because cults often use confusion as their primary tactic to manipulate—so they

might throw around words and call you “abusive” or “narcissistic” or “demonic” or “rebellious” etc. to gaslight your experience, without any real grasp on what those terms actually mean. But thankfully, words have definitions and professionals can educate you.

3) Make an exit plan.

Sometimes it might look like leaving slowly, quietly, in stages, over a length of time. Sometimes it simply needs to be the cleanest cut you ever make—don’t open your door when leaders show up on your doorstep, don’t read or reply to their emails/letters/texts (you can simply screen them through others if absolutely needed), don’t attempt to reason with them, and block/mute/unfollow their channels on social media as needed. You will need to decide what works best for your context, but having a plan can help you build the confidence you need to finally leave. Secure any documentation, finances, childcare, housing, therapy, or other personal needs accordingly. (You may need to adjust your plans

as you go, since you cannot anticipate how severe the backlash and smear campaigns may be when you actually leave.) Some people start the leaving process by fading away first—less attendance, fewer disclosures, while building a support system on the outside—all while they make their quiet exit plans behind the scenes. Others make a fast getaway and a super clean cut. Make the safest choice for your unique context—but do NOT try to do the halfway thing and attempt to stay and reason with people, thinking they will listen and change. Cults do not operate on reason, they operate on fear and manipulation. So it’s best to either tip toe your way out of them…sprint away as fast as you

can...or tip toe your way into a sprint.

4) Quietly reconnect with people outside the cult.

You can often reconnect with other ex-members, religious-recovery groups, or therapists familiar with religious trauma. This might be a key moment to quietly lean into relationships with friends and family who are not part of the organization. If you’ve been involved in a cult, then you know how much time and energy you’ve spent questioning your own reality. Connecting with former members, professional helpers, or trusted people who love you, will offer you the compassionate care and reality checks you really need right now to heal. When the cult leaders or members attempt to tear you down with their twisted version of the truth, you will need well-respected people you can run to, simply to ask questions like: “Is this real? Am I crazy? What do you think about this?” As you think about leaving, start building your support system quietly behind the scenes.

5) Expect emotional backlash and prepare for a high-pressure campaign against you.

Sometimes, if you fade away quietly or leave quickly, you might be able to avoid a high-pressure campaign. But if you pushback directly on the cult and show disagreement, then be forewarned, you will likely be smeared privately and defamed publicly to the group, you may be called names and accused of various “sins” you never did, you may be put under “church discipline” or excommunicated, you may be shunned, you may be threatened with eternal damnation, or much, much worse. People who you once believed to be spiritual leaders will often show their true colors as the attempts to control you and to protect the cult get uglier. These patterns are classic, common, and well-documented in the research. And remember, cults will always resist attempts at sensible third party outside accountability. This is the clearest possible litmus test of a cult: the coercive control, secrecy, and fear of outside eyes looking in . If the cult chooses transparency, then they risk paying a heavy price for their wrongs—so they avoid it, they almost always engage in cover-ups, and they will try to smooth things over with any current members who might come asking pesky questions about what really happened. When those pesky questions arise, the leadership will often engage in what experts call “bothsidesism” or fake apologies: “Yeah, we didn’t do everything right, we’re sorry for our part—you need to have grace for us—but both sides need to come together here.” NOTE: despite whatever their smooth words may be, notice that they still never actually follow through with any form of outside accountability —their talk is cheap. Trust only actions.

For instance, if the leaders say they are “sorry” for their wrongs—do they ever actually apologize to the people they wronged and try to make amends? Simply go ask the people who were wronged if they received an apology and find out. If the leaders say they will “reach out” to someone—their talk is cheap—did they ever actually follow through? Simply ask the people who left if they reached out and find out. If the leaders say vague things like—“We’re considering all our options, just trust us…”—their talk is cheap. Follow up. What are their actions? If it’s truly a coercive culture, there will be plenty of smooth words from leadership…but you will always be able to point to the lack of any normal, common sense, outside accountability. In coming days, they will likely either guide their followers to “love on” and “miss you” and even love-bomb you…or they might guide them to shun you…both versions are simply meant to manipulate the empath. So as this high-pressure

process of leaving the cult unfolds, you may feel panic, anger, hurt, dread, or any number of emotions in response to their manipulative tactics. Be sure to write down your reasons for leaving, learn coping techniques for your anxiety, and get the support you need: STAY STRONG AND DO NOT GO BACK TO THE CULT.

6) Stop short at documentation: do NOT go back and save others.

Your only real task as you leave is to document absolutely everything people from the cult might say/do and just lay low and stay as safe as you can; do NOT try to convince others to come with you too. Leave quietly. Others will need to walk their own journeys—let them go. You will be defamed or much worse—nothing you can do about it right now. Your safety comes first—this is one of those situations where you need to “put the oxygen mask on first” so to speak. Do not expend your precious energy on trying to change the closed minds of the leadership, reform a toxic situation, or persuade more people to leave with you. If you are an empath, then I know this piece of advice will probably pull on all your

heartstrings, but don’t waste your energy trying to reason because cults do not operate on reason. The truth is, it is not likely anyone will listen. So instead, focus all your resources on accomplishing this very last step:

7) Focus on recovery, not just escape.

People do not leave cults, they escape them by the skin of their teeth. And the truth is, leaving is just the first step. Leaving is the beginning of the road, not the end. After you leave, you will need to take the time you need to truly heal.

Many people who leave cults/narcissists often notice their physical symptoms melting away. According to well-respected psychologist, Dr. Nicole Lepera, this might include: less chest tightness, less stomach pain, fewer headaches, fewer digestion issues, better sleep, less joint pain, less bruxism (teeth grinding), less brain fog, and even pronounced weight loss, as the cortisol spikes from the high stress of living with cult/narcissist dynamics eventually regulate over time. People who leave must relearn their nervous systems, grieve their heartbreaking losses, and renegotiate their old beliefs. Those are enormous tasks. You need to give yourself plenty of time to accomplish them.

One important truth as we close: people leave cults because they are strong. The number one question I hear from clients and friends who have left narcissists or evangelical cults is this: “How did I not see it for so long? What’s wrong with me?” I tell them there is nothing wrong

with them. Cults/narcissists camouflage much the same way that animals in the forest do—would you beat yourself up for not seeing a camouflaged insect on a tree? Of course not. So stop beating yourself up for not seeing it sooner and start asking, “What’s right with me?” instead. Because the truth is, there is a lot right with you: 1) you were perceptive enough to recognize the nefarious camouflage, 2) you were wise enough to choose a better life for yourself, and 3) you were strong enough to endure getting out, even through extreme manipulation and coercive control. Perceptive, wise, and strong. Not stupid. Not broken. Not weak. I make sure to tell them how honored I am to support someone like them, someone with those amazing qualities.

You will find healing, I promise. What feels unbearably heavy to your heart right now will slowly shrink with time. Some people will live with the symptoms of religious trauma for their entire lives, while others do not…but either way, symptoms or no symptoms, all people who leave

cults generally report living much freer, fuller, happier, healthier lives. Leaving is hell on earth…but a little further down the road…and you will find these brave people ultimately feeling great about their decision to create a new life for themselves.

Reaching out for more support will only accelerate this healing process. That’s why I’ve included some great resources below, if you want to check them out.

Wishing you much strength for the journey ahead,

Sarah

RESOURCES WHICH MAY BE HELPFUL (SOME MENTIONED IN THIS POST):

More Helpful Posts: Check out my post on the BITE method right HERE —this is a time-honored tool which you can use to assess the control levels in your own church culture. Also, want to know how to spot a healthy church? In my opinion, the opposite of a fear-based, coercive culture is a truth-based, freedom culture. Check out my post on “Five Star Safe Churches” (my response to the Michael Tait Scandal) to for some basic ideas on keeping your own church culture healthy and safe.

More Helpful Books: Chuck DeGroat. When Narcissism Comes to Church. I quoted DeGroat from the podcast episode: “Are You a Narcissist? Chuck DeGroat on Why Church Planters Are Likely to Be Narcissistic” on the Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast. Another great book about healthy church culture is Michael J. Kruger’s Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church.

More Helpful Podcasts: I thought that the episodes on “How to Recognize a Narcissistic Family System” and “Does My Dad Have Autism or Is He a Narcissist?” on the Calling Home podcast by LMFT Whitney Goodman were truly helpful, especially since it can be tricky to tell the

differences between narcissism and neurodivergence sometimes. I also referenced expert Anna Kitko’s appearance on “How to Recognize and Respond to Spiritual Abuse in the Church” on the “Cross Examined” podcast.

More Helpful Follows: Psychologist and Author, Dr. Nicole LePera @ the.holistic.psychologist listed the physical consequences of being in relationships with narcissists in a January 2026 IG post). She is an excellent educator on all-things mental health, including many recent posts on narcissism. I also follow everything from the organization GRACE : Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment. They offer professional third-party investigations, powerful education resources, and many other services to churches.

What happened to youth sports? Where did everyone go? And what can we do about it?

Mon, 02 Feb 2026 19:41:37 GMT

January 30, 2026 - 8 min read

This post was inspired by the ideas that Coach Blake Norton, Mercer County Football (Harrodsburg, Kentucky), recently discussed on Facebook. Their programs are shrinking...and programs everywhere are shrinking. What’s happening? Who is to blame? Is it the “kids these days”? Is it the parents, the school, the coaches, or the sports culture? As a parent, as a coach, and as a therapist for the past 20 years, this is my answer to those questions and my proposed solutions to SAVE SPORTS.

Are kids different these days?

Yes, the research says kids are different. Mental health for kids is at an all-time low, while stress from sports is at an all-time high. This isn’t a great combination. Kids are already feeling completely overwhelmed…by school, by society, by expectations, by the insidious effects of smartphone tech on their lives…many just don’t want the added pressure involved with playing sports today. As a therapist, the number one word I hear from my teenage clients? “Overwhelm.”

Are parents different these days?

Yes, parents are different. Parents remember the more authoritarian culture of their own childhood school sports, where coaches could more easily get away with “Bobby Knight” type behavior…so when their kids want to quit, they are far more likely to let them do so. And honestly, they probably breathe a huge sigh of relief. No more shelling out thousands for travel ball season. No more running kids to 60 games—maybe they’ll have an occasional weekend at home now? Parents are experiencing their own overwhelm in life…and sometimes a kid quitting sports is a welcome break for them too.

Are coaches different these days?

Yes, sometimes. They often feel extreme pressure to keep up with a much more competitive environment, so kids play year round...because that is what every other competitive team is doing. As Norton pointed out, kids used to play short seasons of a variety of sports. Now they play year-round specialized sports. There is no “off season” for kids anymore—there is no down-time in the summer—there is little to no break. The coaches who choose to opt out of this higher level of commitment, simply can’t win, and so their teams face dwindling morale from constant losses. Who wants to sign up for either extreme? It’s either the high anxiety produced by high level competition…or it’s the heavy discouragement of always losing. So coaches tend to get selective younger in order to compete, and the kids who need more patience, more time to develop are now told by middle school (either directly or indirectly) they just aren’t good enough. "When kids feel disposable, when they feel like they’re just being used as practice bodies," as Coach Norton says, then they leave…and they take their friends too.

Is the sport different these days?

Yes. Sports have grown more and more competitive—they used to feel more fun, now they feel more like jobs. They have also become elitist, with the uncontrolled growth of travel ball. The local rec leagues, with low cost and manageable schedules, are fading. Now, parents shell out thousands of dollars to shuttle their kid around to various parts of the country with an intensely competitive schedule. The sports themselves are different. Sports used to be accessible, but now, you have to pay to play. The kids who can afford it, pull ahead of everyone else. The kids who can’t get left behind and feel the stress of closing the gap of skills during regular seasons. And this process ruins the sport itself, because in this highly competitive and unfair environment, kids get ranked and labeled way too early. And they feel it. Most kids quit sports these days by age 13.

(Norway noticed how uncontrolled travel sports were actually killing hockey—so they did something about it by reducing elitism in youth sports, in order to save the sport itself. Youth sports resurged. Read about it HERE . )

Is school different these days?

Yes, much different. Not just in terms of academic pressure but in terms of all extracurriculars. Success in sports used to equal belonging and even social status at school. Now, there is much more variety of school extracurricular activities where kids can find acceptance and build their confidence, not just through sports. The school opportunities are wider…and the truth is, high-stress sports aren’t as compelling an option for many people as they used to be. Kids can belong to something and be successful these days without risking the potential embarrassment of public sports performances. As Norton noted, "...they grow up being filmed and posted constantly, knowing one bad play can end up on Snapchat or shared in group chats or earn them a nickname." Opting out is much emotionally safer than risking public failure. Cringe culture from social media tells them hanging back is better than being made fun of by their peers. And so, lower pressure extracurricular activities are exploding accordingly.

Is culture different these days?

Yes. Not only has smartphone tech changed the entire landscape of culture, but recent inflation has greatly increased financial pressure on families everywhere. The reality is, lots of kids have to work jobs now or babysit siblings, to help their families pay the bills and make ends meet. As Coach Norton said, when sports demand 3 hours a day during the season, open gyms on weekends, leagues during summers, camps and travel ball in the off season…the math just doesn’t add up for people who are struggling financially. His words (summarized slightly):

The hard truth is that kids aren’t “quitting sports” as if it is somehow their fault—they are opting out of systems that feel one-sided. They’re asking, “Am I valued here? Is this worth it?” And if it isn’t, they’re walking. Kids today are not fooled by “we’re a family” language when favoritism is obvious and they are yelled at publicly for mistakes. You can be a demanding coach who wants excellence and still create an emotionally safe environment. Kids know it when no one is tracking their progress, when no one gives them a path forward, when they just exist to fill drills. They’re asking, “Is there a reason for me to be here?” If the answer isn’t obvious, they leave. They have options today which involve much less pressure, they have escape hatches, while previous generations were trapped and endured bad systems because there was little alternative.

Amen and amen. And for me, it’s this line here that was the kicker, my favorite part of his entire post…this is what we all need to understand about why sports are dying: “Sports are no longer competing against other sports. They are competing against comfort and psychological safety itself.” If a program doesn’t offer that psychological safety: belonging, growth, honest communication, emotionally regulated coaches, a reason to endure the hard days…then kids will choose the option that does. "That's not weakness. That's rational."

Coach Norton continues, noting that shrinking programs aren’t losing star athletes (unless they lose them to overuse injuries, which have skyrocketed). They’re losing “the average kids, the late bloomers, kids who aren’t the coach’s kids, kids who don’t have the loud parents, the kids who need more development. When those kids leave, programs don’t just lose numbers. They lose continuity and identity. Because those kids become the glue of future teams, the culture carriers, and eventually, the senior leaders.”

As Coach said, slogans and hype do not work. Words mean nothing. Only actions. Coach Norton pointed out ways coaches can create more psychological safety and help their programs grow. As a coach myself, I felt like those were awesome insights, and I tried to include most of them below. But from my point of view, this is an everyone problem, and if we want to save youth sports, then I feel we need to do it together. Here's how:

SOLUTIONS FOR KIDS AND PARENTS: Please understand how tech today makes an impact on child mental health and parent accordingly. Sports are incredibly valuable and they are worth saving! Kids who play in non-toxic programs reap amazing benefits: growth in character, physical strength and fitness, emotional regulation, better grades, better friendships, better mental health. Just look into the research for yourself. Tackling the mental health problem these days will take everyone working together to help these kids: coaches and teachers cannot always play the role of therapists and parents too, though the truth is, they often do these days. Please create boundaries in your home which make sense for your kids, to help protect your family’s mental health. If you need to educate yourself, please read "The Anxious Generation" by Jonathan Haidt or follow him on social media.

SOLUTIONS FOR COACHES: You can no longer afford to be the “hard coach” who is angry all the time. You can still hold high standards. You can still compete, even in this environment. You can still create excellence. But you ALSO have to create psychological safety too . Great ideas from Coach Norton, who has looked at sports programs that are still thriving in this context and noted the following ideas:

A) Every kid has a development plan, not just the starters.

B) Coaches explain decisions before kids have to guess.

C) Effort is corrected, not mocked.

D) Playing time is contextualized, not weaponized.

E) Coaches admit mistakes publicly.

F) Seniors are taught to protect younger players (not yell at them or exclude them).

G) Practices include success for everyone, not just the best.

H) Redesign practice and game structures to retain non-starters.

I) Try to accommodate kids who are working jobs or watching young siblings.

J) Reduce ego on the team.

K) Protect joy.

Essentially, treat kids “like human beings, not assets,” by working hard to create real psychological safety that kids can feel. Coaches, this problem is not all your fault and not all on your shoulders to fix, but you can definitely do things to help.

SOLUTIONS FOR SPORTS CULTURE: People say, "If you don't like travel sports, don't play them." But guess what? Parents who want their kids to succeed in sports will almost never opt out of travel ball. Coaches and parents simply feel too much anxiety involved with kids potentially “falling behind” in the sport because of the highly competitive environment. It MUST BE LEGISLATED by people in power who put long-term wellness of families over short-term wins in sports...or the situation will only get worse. If you are in a position in power, then you need to protect kids from the constant creep of travel ball: you can limit the length of seasons, you can limit the number of games and practices, you might even be able to limit what a company charges or create subsidies. Use your power to level the playing field. Healthy limits must be legislated or we will see the beauty and precious freedom of our summers and weekends all but disappear and the sport itself suffer greatly. (If you want ideas, then check out the systems Norway used to successfully protect and grow youth sports in the website I linked to above.)

SOLUTIONS FOR SCHOOLS: I would start by suggesting that schools and coaches work together to make sports schedules less intense and more predictable for families. Perhaps achieve this by protecting certain nights and weekends.? Maybe it’s a rule where you only allow open gyms on Saturdays but never on Sundays? Maybe it’s a rule where you never schedule games on Mondays or Wednesdays? Maybe it’s a rule where all coaches only use one agreed-upon app (and every activity doesn’t have a new form of communication)? Maybe you can even collaborate and get all the coaches to work as a team on a task: how can we help reduce the anxiety, the stress, and the burn-out we are seeing in our student-athletes and save our sports programs? See what creative ideas they can come up with? Maybe you can even make collaborative coaches meetings a quarterly thing? (As a coach, I would love to participate and pick other coaches brains about what’s working and what’s not.) We see collaborative efforts among teachers working brilliantly for kids in education, and the same thing can work in coaching too! I don’t have any demands, you need to do what’s best for your context...all I am saying here is that schools don’t have to wait for larger governing bodies to act before they implement common sense boundaries for their own kids. They can help tackle this growing problem and save sports in their communities.

I am really thankful for Coach Norton speaking up and speaking out into a difficult and complex situation. I hope I have represented his words and point of view fairly (even if I didn’t get them perfectly quoted in places). I am grateful for his perspective and hope I have added value to the conversation.

Five Easy Ways to Keep Your Church Safe from Abuse: My Response to the Michael Tait Scandal

Tue, 11 Nov 2025 18:48:43 GMT

Jul 10 - 6 min read

Updated: July 22

It’s no secret to anyone at this point that the American evangelical church has an abuse problem. Michael Tait (lead singer of the Newsboys and former member of DC Talk) is only the latest name in the long-and-growing list of sexual abuse scandals. In fact, I posted about this same exact topic about five years ago with the Ravi Zaccharias scandal. Does this mean I’m stuck in a loop, bound to write the same post every five years for the rest of my life?

Or is there something the American evangelical church can actually do about this issue of sexual abuse?

Maybe I'm an optimist, but I believe this problem is actually solvable. Hear me out.

In my experience, most Christians respond to this issue of abuse with some form of indifference or denial , saying there’s no need to “air the dirty laundry” of the church—or claiming these scandals only happen in giant megachurches with so-called “celebrity pastors” at the helm. And these Christians would be wrong. At this point, the victims of abuse number in the thousands upon thousands, most of them are women and children, and most of them come from smaller churches. I see them in my counseling office weekly—and they come from the kinds of places you will never hear about in the news.

Since the laundry seems to be airing itself at this point…wild idea here…but maybe we should just clean up the mess? Scripture says to "remember those who are being mistreated as if you felt the pain and suffering in your own bodies." (Hebrews 13:3b) I don’t hate the church. I don't hate Michael Tait either, I hope he gets the help he needs. I am a Christian who deeply loves the church and earnestly wants it to be the safest place in the world for vulnerable people who are suffering. Think big, warm pile of clothes fresh from the drier. And the good news is: it’s not hard to do! There are five ridiculously-easy safeguards against abuse every church can put into place without a single theological debate required.

These five fixes are just good old-fashioned common sense. They don’t take much time or money or effort—and the best part is, they work! Hindsight is 20-20: that means, if these five fixes had been in place, then I guarantee you that 95% of the people on my couch who have been dealing with all forms of church abuse over the past twenty years would not be there.

Can your church get all five stars? If not, then why not--what's holding you back from basic common-sense protection for vulnerable people? This is what they call a no-brainer.

I take this graphic on the road with me whenever I have public speaking engagements in churches. I am happy to come speak with your church about this topic or other mental health concerns any time. No group or budget is too small. I will have a new website coming in the fall with more information on FIVE STAR SAFE CHURCHES.

A Sixth Star for the Over-Achievers

Did your church get all five stars? If not, then please feel free to steal this graphic to bring to your next leadership meeting! You can even erase my name and tell them it was your idea--I give you full permission to do that because my only agenda here is to protect people who are vulnerable to abuse. (Also please feel free to email me at sarahtierneycounseling@gmail.com and let me know your church is five star safe or even that your church leadership is considering it—this would honestly be one of the highlights of my year, as a therapist who has felt discouraged by this issue on a regular basis for decades now.)

But even if you’re not in church leadership, you can still personally use this graphic as a litmus test —because if your church leadership is highly resistant to developing these bare-minimum common-sense safety standards about protecting women and children from abuse then you might want to ask yourself if this is really the kind of church you want to be involved with in the long run? Only you can make that decision…but if you are truly in an unsafe situation, then please choose carefully. I’ve heard too many heartbreaking stories.

But hey, if you did get five stars, then I’m going to give you an extra credit challenge! There is a sixth star out there for the over-achievers…

The approach I’m advocating for with “Five Star Safe Churches” is just weed management. It’s an approach that says; “Welp, I might not be able to stop all the weeds…but I can contain them so that the good things can keep growing!” The Ravi Z’s and the Michael T’s of this world didn’t just abuse people—they abused people for most of their careers. And the trauma caused by this kind of prolonged, unchecked devastation is incalculable at this point. The “Five Star” approach might not have stopped the initial abuse incident…but it likely would’ve caught it and prevented decades of further harm. This is what I mean when I say weed management. When I don’t have enough time or energy to weed my own veggie garden at home, sometimes I just cut the bigger weeds back with some scissors or pull out just a few—then later, I come back and do the necessary deep dive and get to all the roots.

The sixth star is for the people who want to go deeper, who want to pull things out by the roots, who want to have those long conversations about culture and theology and the systemic reasons why abuse happens in churches. I mean, why on earth do so many weedy scandals keep popping up in the garden of evangelicalism in the first place!?

For one reason among many, churches in general possess a very unique blindspot: they tend to think of themselves as “the good guys.” We all have blindspots in our lives, me included, and any institution can be touched by a scandal…but the difference between other institutions and churches is that churches specifically have a tendency to think: “Oh, that could never happen here…because we’re the good guys.”

This dynamic happens both on a small scale in tiny congregations and also a large one, at the state and federal level. For one example among many, it is only illegal in thirteen states in the USA for clergy to engage in sexual behavior with those under their spiritual care—though this is widely considered illegal for doctors and therapists everywhere in our nation. For another example, most corporations in my state have been required to complete an annual sexual harassment training for decades now, but this has only recently become the law for churches a few years ago. And I could go on, listing many more examples of ways this “good guy blindspot” can unintentionally lead churches astray and keep them behind the times. Most churches in my experience do not possess: A) a robust definition of what abuse/harassment even is in the first place or B) any appropriate safeguards against abuse/harassment (aka the “Five Star” approach). Instead, churches over-rely on their “good guy” status to take care of things! And that’s where the trouble begins.

So for those who have the eyes to see their own blindspots, then I encourage you to do a deep dive. Because I assure you there are more blindspots out there…a lot more. And there are many more resources out there too, including anything from: Chuck Degroat, Wade Mullen, Diane Langberg, or the organization GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in a Christian Environment)—who also happens to have a new podcast! Michael Kruger’s book Bully Pulpit is one of my personal favorite reads on this topic. But the options are almost endless. So if you want that sixth star, then dedicate yourself to some digging.

Final Plea

Recently, one of my besties gave me the birthday gift of attending a conference led by one of my favorite authors and teachers: Suzanne Stabile, along with her husband Joe Stabile, a Methodist minister. We were two of about four hundred people gathered to hear her speak. At one point, she asked for those who had ever been "abused or orphaned by the Church" to stand up. The majority of the room stood up . I would estimate probably 300 people out of the 400. She covered her face with her hands and could not speak. She was not expecting that many people to stand up, no one was. Everyone stood there in silence for several powerful minutes of heartbroken solidarity. You could have heard a pin drop.

May this not become the story of your church. May your church show the love of Christ by protecting the most vulnerable among you. And thank you in advance from an old, sad, but still hopeful therapist for making your church Five Star Safe.

Love, Sarah

PS: Me and my bestie at the Stabile’s conference. Aren’t we the cutest? :)